Cruise Control

Katie Holmes and I have a lot in common. We've both got brown hair, we're both taller than our men in heels. (That's us in heels, not our men in heels.) Both been touched by Scientology.

I was wandering up Oxford Street a few years back. Minding my own business, probably laden down with ill advised purchases that I wore once then gave to charity. I do like to do my bit for charity. Not so good at doing my bit for fashion.

'Would you like to do a personality test?' someone asked me.

'I love personality tests!' I exclaimed, as I was led into a little room and sat down. I was already late for meeting my friend Laurence, but a few minutes wouldn't hurt and I do take every opportunity going to fill out questionnaires about my personality so I can see who I am. I like it when it turns out I'm great.

I no sooner had the pen in hand when Laurence called to see where I was.

'I'm doing a personality test!' I exclaimed.

Quick as a flash, Laurence saved me from a cult.

'You're on Oxford Street aren't you?' he asked. 'It's not a personality test. It's a Scientology test, you dick. Get up and walk away now.'

'But I want to find out who I am,' I stuttered.

'I'll tell you who you are when you meet me in the pub. Do not stay there.'

So I made my excuses and left. Dodged a bullet there, didn't I, Katie Holmes?

Katie wasn't so lucky. She went a bit further down the path. Rumour had it she had a silent birth, as is the expectation on mothers in the Church of Scientology.

I'm not a fan of religions. In my opinion, religions appear to be rather flawed. Scientology in particular takes the biscuit. Any religion that expects mothers to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon in silence is spouting pseudo-science and needs to be questioned.

L. Ron Hubbard. We all know who he is don't we? The science fiction writer who claimed: 'If you want to get rich, start a religion.' (Nice one, Jesus.) L Ron's dead now, which Scientologists believe means he has been reincarnated into one of the other forms he'll take on in his billion year life cycle. I believe that it means he is dead now. 

It's easy to see why Tom Cruise is such a fan of Scientology. He's been given the number two rank at Scientology HQ. The religion adores him, makes him feel like the most important immortal alien trapped in a man's body since time immemorial. I heard that when Scientology has it's annual banquets, the more you pay for your ticket, the closer you get to sit to TOM CRUISE.

Well I fancy. What a privilege. You mean the short guy with the crooked teeth?

I can't afford that. How much do I have to pay to sit near the Saturday Night Fever guy with the penchant for sex with massage therapists?

Crikey I can't afford that either. Ok, let's see. Can I afford a seat near Jason Lee, from My Name Is Earl? Juliette Lewis, the awesome actress cum rock star with a potty mouth? I want to sit near her, she's cool! No Kim, you can't afford that. And what are you doing here anyway? You didn't even complete the first personality test. You went to the pub instead.

I did, it's true. Religion is not for me. Gin is the only spirit I believe in. It's not holy, but it gets the job done.*



*Disclaimer. Will change mind and religion if Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum or Jessie from Breaking Bad request it. Or all three. Will definitely ditch all rhyme and reason for the trio. Mmm, what a scrumptious Scientology sandwich that would be.