In preparation for Dad coming to stay I wish I could say that I cleaned the house from top to bottom but of course I didn’t – I just paid a Polish person to do it for me.
Point being, Dad was coming to stay and in arriving to a clean house, I wanted him to come to the conclusion that this was how I lived my life – clean and tidy. Therefore he could only conclude that I’m a successful offspring and he can be proud.
By day two, Dad was standing in the sitting room trying to Fix Something – one of the many things Dad noticed was broken but I had not. ‘Where’s the spanner?’ he asked, rummaging the toolbox. ‘Where’s the multimeter?’ he asked, getting more frustrated.
‘Oh Kim’ he said wearily, in a tone of voice which screams disappointment in who I’ve turned out to be. ‘You knew I was coming. Why didn’t you make sure you had all your tools in order?’
Oh dear. I am a tool. I didn’t think! I didn’t think Dad would be testing me on the knowledge of the many tools he has insisted on buying me over the years. I tried to divert his attention, show him my tidy kitchen, but alas he was determined to install a new airing cupboard complete with dehumidifier and hanging rail and he would not rest until installation was complete.
The multimeter, of course, had been untouched since he gave it to me in about 1997. I was never quite sure what it was for but just knew I should keep it handy because he’d placed so much importance on my ownership of said device. Apparently it was an essential addition to my toolkit.
As a girl currently captivated by the determination to master ‘Casualty – the theme tune’ on my shiny new piano, I don’t have time to check the life in my fuses. The time or the inclination, I might add.
But I knew Dad was coming to stay and I should have at least pretended I use all the tools he gave me and am constantly rewiring the house, just because I can. (I can’t.) At least then Dad would think I’m the wonderful daughter that I’m not and would bestow upon me the great praise in my abilities I’m always seeking and constantly being denied.
The multimeter was not in the toolbox. After much searching, it was found in Gareth’s man drawer. Dad was hugely disappointed to see that we had long since robbed the battery from the back of the battery tester and it was therefore redundant.
After a few trips to B and Q, my toolbox was up to scratch. Multimeter had battery. Dad was once again being led to believe I could tell my earth from my live wire.
The funny thing is that I’m so keen for him to think I have an engineer’s brain, like his – that I’m also a maths whizz and really keen on physics and how my house is put together. And yet that’s not me. My house works – bonus. If my house breaks, I’ll call someone out to fix it. Apparently letting dad know that I’m never going to take apart a toaster just to see what makes it toast would be like telling him that I’ve quit my job and am going on the game.
Actually, he probably wouldn’t mind that nearly as much. As long as I did my own accounts and didn’t expect a pimp to rewire my brothel.
"The composition of my soul is made, too great for servile, avaricious trade.
When raving in the lunacy of ink, I catch my pen and publish what I think."
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