Road Outrageous

 Apparently, there are other drivers on the road. I wouldn’t know, because I drive a white van now. I was nervous to start with. The road intimidated me. But now, I intimidate it. The road don’t mess with me. Other cars don’t mess with me. I am Queen Vivaro of Warmley, surveyor of all motorways and A roads.

The thing is, in a van, you’re higher up. You’ve also got a noisy engine and a threatening size. Ka’s, Mini’s, Smart Cars, they don’t stand a chance.

I’d like to think I haven’t crashed yet, but I probably have, I just don’t know it. The rear window is blacked out so for all I know, all those silly little cars are being squashed and flattened in my wake and I don’t even know it.

I’m a white van (wo)man, don’t get in my way. I haven’t taken to honking at scantily clad women yet, but don’t put it past me. It’s not my fault I’ve got a honker and they’ve got nice legs.

My right arm is preparing to get browner than my left. I can never find first gear but who cares when you’re dominating the road. In my head, I’m driving this.





The lane from our home spits you out on a roundabout but because it’s not one of the official roads leading in and out of the roundabout, no one ever used to let me out. My Peugeot, Tiger, and I, we used to sit there for ages swearing at everyone, edging out until we were basically sitting in the middle of oncoming traffic, when finally someone would be forced to give way.

I don’t have that problem anymore, now I’m a white van (wo)man. People basically roll out the red carpet, traffic in all directions stop to let me out. That’s right, don’t mess with Eddie. He’ll trample all over you before you’ve even put your hazard lights on.